As the days grow colder and we near the holiday season, we all will have our own unique thoughts and experiences about Christmas and the festivities.
For many people with eating disorders and disordered eating, the festive season can be a particularly challenging time. Christmas often brings social pressures, expectations around food, and comparisons from others and within us which can feel overwhelming.
I invite you, through this blog, to focus on what matters most to you, rather than getting caught up in the trap of comparisons.
We are designed to compare – historically, our early ancestors needed to be fitter, faster, stronger than their peers to survive, so it was important they kept an eye on their neighbours to see how strong they were. However, for their comparisons to be effective, they needed to focus on where they were lacking, to improve and compete to stay alive.
That ‘old’ part of our brain still exists, even though it is less important and less helpful in the world we live in today. Unfortunately, when we compare ourselves to others, we tend still to focus on where we fall short, which often leads to us not feeling good enough. This can have a huge impact on our self-esteem, leading often to anxiety and depression.
When we compare ourselves to others – be it what we eat, how we look, what we wear, or even what traditions or activities we engage in at Christmas – it is easy to feel inadequate and disconnected from what our own needs are.
Staying in your own lane means tuning into what is right for you and honouring your own unique journey. You can do this by focusing on what really matters to you – what helps to create a rich and meaningful life for you, rather than being controlled by unhelpful comparison thoughts and societal pressures. At Christmas time, this might mean asking yourself what you want for this festive season, and how you can show up in a way that matters to you rather than to others and their expectations, or your perceived expectations.
So how can you stay in your own lane when there’s so much going on around you? Perhaps the first thing to do is pause, take a breath and ground yourself in the present moment. This can help you to notice when you are caught up in comparisons or trying to keep up with others. It is an opportunity to bring your focus back to your own lane.
It can be really helpful to set some boundaries that benefit you – think about saying no to situations which feel overwhelming and prioritise the events and people who are nourishing. It is always okay to do what feels right for you.
Remember kindness and compassion are key – for yourself as much as for others. When things feel challenging or distressing, or you feel that you are not enough, developing a kind inner voice allows us all to experience care and kindness which can transform our experience into one of love and acceptance rather than criticism and harshness.
Christmas ad the festivities do not have to be perfect and neither do you. It is okay if your life is at a different stage from others, or if you are not where you want to be yet – allow yourself to be just as you are – your journey is yours alone to steer and you are doing what is right for you. As you stay in your lane, allow yourself to be human and to make the best choices for you.
As Christmas approaches, embrace what matters most to you. Create space in your lane for self-compassion, authenticity and a festive season that really reflects the life that is right for you.
With December love. Sarah x
FAQs
Why is Christmas such a challenging time for people with eating disorders or disordered eating?
Christmas, and most celebrations and festivities for that matter, often have a greater focus on food, social gatherings and traditions which can create high expectations. For anyone with a difficult relationship with food, weight and shape this can trigger anxiety, shame and feelings of inadequacy. The heightened focus on eating, combined with pressure to conform to social expectations can make the festive season overwhelming.
What does “staying in your own lane” mean in practical terms?
Staying in your own lane means focusing on your needs, values, and wellbeing rather than comparing yourself to others. Practically, depending on what stage you are at with change, this might involve
- Planning ahead for how you want to navigate meals and social events
- Setting your own personal boundaries which protect your wellbeing
- Pausing often to check in with yourself and make sure you are honouring what is best for you
How can I manage feelings of guilt or shame if I don’t take part in all the Christmas traditions in the same way as others?
It is natural to experience these feelings when we do things differently from what might be expected, but remember your focus is on prioritising your wellbeing and health. Practising self-compassion is key – work on your inner voice being one of kindness and acceptance, as you would speak to someone you really care about.
What can I do when I notice myself comparing to others, especially on social media?
Making comparisons is a very human behaviour, but when it leads to self-criticism it becomes unhelpful. When you notice yourself comparing, pause and take a breath. Remind yourself that you only ever see a small part of someone else’s life, especially on social media, and shift your focus back to your own lane by thinking about what truly matters to you in that moment.
How can I set boundaries with family and friends who might not understand?
Start by gently communicating what you need with clarity and calm – you might want to prepare some set phrases beforehand which give you some space and time. If you’re unsure about an invitation, find a phrase that works for you like “I will let you know”. You may want to let people know in advance that you’re doing things a little differently or that your focus this year is on what feels manageable for you.
Remember, even if someone doesn’t understand, you do not have to explain or justify your decisions if you do not wish to.
How can I handle conversations about food, weight, or appearance?
It can be helpful to prepare some phrases in advance. For example:
- Set a boundary: “I’d rather not discuss that right now.”
- Step away for some space: “I’m just going to grab some fresh air. I’ll be back in a bit!”
What if I fall into unhelpful behaviours during the holidays?
Be kind to yourself. This doesn’t undo any progress and steps forward you have made. Christmas can be difficult and in difficult times we often fall back on familiar patterns of behaviour. It is part of being human. It is an opportunity to reflect on what you can learn from this and what really matters for you moving forward. Life is a dance rather than a walk, and our steps can be in different directions. Each step, no matter the direction is a part of the dance, and every moment is an opportunity to take a step in a new direction again.
How can I create a rich and meaningful Christmas if I do things differently?
Focus on your values – what really matters to you, and what brings you peace and joy. This might include spending quiet time with loved ones, creating your own traditions or simply giving yourself time to rest and recharge.
Meet Sarah
Sarah is a BACP accredited psychotherapist who has a special interest in working with those who struggle with their relationship with food, weight and body image. She originally trained in relational counselling and has since qualified in EMDR, Compassion Focused Therapy, and ACT.
Sarah’s experience has been developed in a variety of settings including supporting survivors of rape and sexual abuse, as well as many years of working with individuals and groups in mental health teams and a specialist NHS eating disorder service. She delivers training and education around working safely and effectively with people with eating disorders and has been a guest on several podcasts as well as co-hosting her own podcast previously.
Sarah now works in private practice where her passion, alongside her own lived experience of an eating disorder, shape her hopeful, compassionate and collaborative approach to therapy.
