As humans we compare ourselves to others, and others to ourselves. There is an inevitability about this. We naturally observe others to see how we ‘measure up’ and draw conclusions about where we stand, where our place is.
This behaviour was created over thousands of years and has its origins in safety and survival. Our very early ancestors had to compare to survive – if they were slower than their neighbours or less fit, they would be the first to be eaten by a chasing animal, or last to reach the food to take home for their family and they wouldn’t survive.
We still maintain these age-old instincts; however, comparison is not needed in the same way to survive and tends to have more detrimental effects on our emotional wellbeing today.
Because the origins of comparison in our ancestors focused on others who were better than us in some way in order to improve, our minds still naturally seek out those who we believe are better than us to compare to. Of course, for some, this can sometimes drive change; sadly, for many of us, a belief that we constantly fall short of those we compare ourselves to leads to low self-esteem, loss of confidence, low mood and anxiety. We fall into the ‘not enough’ trap which can lead to feelings of shame.
In today’s world of media and social media, comparisons are always available to be made. Unfortunately, inaccurate and false comparisons are generally all we can make in the media and social media world because we see limited and/or biased information. We see photos which have been changed and filtered and only a small part of someone’s life and experiences. Our minds often believe what we see is the full truth, and we fall into a deeper trap of comparisons where we feel inadequate and not good enough.
I emphasise always the importance of self-compassion which is nurturing and gentle. Sadly, comparison fuels the opposite with a critical internal voice. We may be unkind to ourselves for not achieving more, being further ahead in life or looking better. This drags us down into feelings of helplessness, hopelessness and shame and we often become more withdrawn. Compassion, on the other hand, invites us to see ourselves with kindness and understanding, highlighting our inherent worth regardless of how we compare to others. Compassion allows us to stay in our own ‘lane’ and live life according to what is right for us.
If we step into the garden, imagine if we compare a tree to a rose bush. There would always have to be one that was better and one that was worse. We may choose the rose for its beautiful flowers, whilst others may favour the tree for its greatness. And yet without a need to compare, neither is better or worse. They each have their own uniqueness and presence in the garden. Pollinators will be attracted to the rose, but birds will be forever grateful of a tree branch to alight onto and sing their song.
So, while comparison may seem like a normal part of life, it can come at a huge cost to our well-being and peace of mind. As we begin to notice when we are caught up in comparisons, we can start to consciously shift to compassion and kindness and acceptance and begin to reclaim our self-worth and belief so that we can, once again focus more fully on what really matters to us.
With September love
Sarah x
FAQs
Is all comparison Bad?
No, not at all. Sometimes comparisons can inspire us to do new things. It is important to notice when we start to feel worse rather than inspired from making comparisons and to change our focus so that our mental health is not adversely affected.
How can I stop comparing myself to others?
Stopping comparisons completely is perhaps unrealistic, but these things can be helpful:
- Practising mindfulness can help you become more aware of when you are comparing so that you can bring your focus back to the present moment.
- Focusing on your values will help you live life according to what matters to you, rather than being guided by external markers
- Practising self-compassion will help remind you that it’s ok not to be perfect and that we all have our own unique journey
- Limiting social media can be helpful since it is a common source of comparison
How can I change from comparisons to compassion?
There are 3 main steps to making the change:
- Recognising common humanity – everyone struggles. No one’s life is as perfect as it may appear and comparing our inner struggle to someone else’s outer success is an unfair and misleading comparison
- Practising self-compassion – try offering yourself a kind word and understanding. It doesn’t mean we stop striving, rather we approach growth from a place of care rather than shame
- Focus on Values – In ACT we talk a lot about values – what really matters to us. Comparison takes us further away from our own values and goals as we focus on those of others. As we start to focus on what matters to us, we can let go of the need to compare and start living more authentically
What’s the difference between comparison and setting goals?
Comparison often involves looking at others and feeling like we fall short, which can create painful emotions like shame and envy. Setting goals is more about focusing on what we want to achieve based on our values and desires. The key difference is intention: Comparison is about measuring ourselves against others while goal-setting is about growing in line with what’s important to us.
How does comparison affect my self-esteem?
Comparison can create a sense of inadequacy. When we constantly measure ourselves against others, especially in those areas in which we feel more vulnerable, we reinforce the idea that we’re not good enough. Over time, this can affect our confidence and sense of self-worth, making it harder to believe in ourselves.
Why does comparison make me feel worse when I know it’s irrational?
Even though we may intellectually understand that comparison is irrational—because everyone’s life is different—it doesn’t stop the emotional impact. Comparison taps into our deeper insecurities and fears, which can feel very real even when we ‘know better’. This is why mindfulness and self-compassion are important to help us acknowledge these feelings without being overwhelmed by them.
How can I use self-compassion to overcome comparison?
Self-compassion helps to shift the focus of our thoughts from criticism to care. When you notice yourself comparing, try to pause and ask yourself:
- “Would I speak to a friend this way?”
- “What do I need right now to feel more grounded?”
- “How can I offer myself kindness in this moment?”
By practicing self-compassion, we create a supportive internal world, which makes it easier to break free from the comparison trap and focus on your own growth and well-being.
